Today marks the 80th anniversary of one of the greatest underdog stories in history, The Tortoise and the Hare.  But this article isn’t about the turtle revolution.  No, this article is about the downfall of rabbits in our society.  FACT: The average rabbit makes 85 cents to the human’s dollar.  FACT: teen-pregnancy in rabbits tripled in the last 5 years.  FACT:  The major exports of Argentina are meat, wheat, maize, oilseeds, hides, and wool.  This may startle many of you but the facts are there, rabbits are being mistreated in today’s world.


Once upon a time humans, rabbits, turtles, wizards, and even Germans lived happily together, but sadly not happily ever after.  We all know the tale of how wizards split from the group, to live in peace by themselves.  And no one will ever forget the whole German thing.  But rabbits, have any of you noticed the decline of rabbit senators in the last two decades?  Even Easter, the most cherished bunny day, has lost its popularity in recent years.  The simple truth is our society is turning its back on the furry friend.

HolyBunnyHolyTalesBruno Mangilo, most commonly known under his pen name “Bunny Man” discussed the matter of bunny discrimination in his 1986 book  Holy Bunny Holy Tales.  Sadly, the popularity of the book was overshadowed by the coming of the Teenage Mutant Ninja television series.  Nonetheless, Bunny Man made some uncanny predictions of the future, many of which have already occurred.  If the Clinton administration would have put more credit in the book they could have helped avoid the horrible rabbit genocide in Australia, which killed at least 15 bunnies to date.

Bunny Man also discussed how the rabbit decline can be totally credited to the great race between the tortoise and the hare.  As I have said, today marks the 80th anniversary of that race.  For 80 years the cottontail creatures have been slapped with the stick of injustice.  Ask any of your friends, the common theory of rabbits is that they are all arrogant ass holes.  As a guy who has many friends, that happen to be bunnies, I can tell you most of them are nice.  They just want to be considered equals.  It is sad that one rabbit has ruined the reputation of an entire species.

This issue has just starting to poke its ears out of the bunny hole, pun definitely intended.  In Arkansas, a public speaker would not give a speech on spousal abuse in front of a group of rabbits.  Down by the Mississippi, a hotel refused to give rooms to a family of bunnies, claiming that their rooms can’t accommodate a family of furry creatures.  But there is photographic proof that Robin Williams and his family stayed there no more than 3 months ago.  Stories like these exist all around the globe.

Now I’m not saying that you are all racists.  I’m just saying that many of you have preconceived opinions that are not based on reason or actual experiences.  We all have to stand up and shout for rabbit rights.  I give this challenge to all of you, go out this weekend and befriend a rabbit, you wont be disappointed.


8 Things I “Know” About Alligators, But Have Never Actually Fact-Checked or Researched.

I like to believe I know a lot more than I do.  I think most people would agree with that statement.  I have never straight out claimed to be an alligator aficionado, mainly because my alligator knowledge is based on a public school upbringing and the first image that comes to mind when the word alligator is mentioned is of Leatherhead from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Nonetheless, what follows are what I am loosely referring to as “facts” about alligators that I have picked up over the years.  Enjoy!

  1. Alligators have been around since the days of dinosaurs.  I also believe this to be true about turtles.  How does this make sense though?  How was nearly ever other species wiped out but alligators (and turtles)?  We should be much more afraid of alligators (not turtles) than we are if they can survive a world catastrophe that killed all the Land Before Time characters and the Sinclair family.
  2. Alligators think less of crocodiles.  Based on the fact they look nearly identical, I assume alligators and crocodiles are like cousins or something.  And in this assumption, crocodiles are the hillbilly-redneck cousins.
  3. Alligators love the taste of chicken.  I’m not sure where this one stems from.  Did Steve Irwin use chickens to catch ‘gators?  Maybe it’s an old Looney Toon cartoon.  Either way, alligators have a special spot in their cold hearts for the taste of chicken.  To them it must be some kind of exotic dessert they don’t get everyday.
  4. Alligators will die if they eat chocolate.  This is across the board for all animals in my mind.  Mainly due to dogs, because they can’t eat chocolate I will never give any animal the delicious treat.  This is probably why I find animals so inferior.
  5. Alligators can’t open their mouths with the same strength that they can close them.  Whenever you see someone wrestling an alligator (or wrastlin’ a ‘gator) they always conform themselves around the closed mouth.  This is because the muscles in gator jaws can’t open with much strength.  This has always made me think of video games.  If life is a game, then alligators are the level 2 boss.  They’re strong and scary, but have an easy weakness.
  6. Alligators can run really fast.  Since these creatures have little to no ability to climb, they have mastered swimming and running.  You should never try to outrun a ‘gator!
  7. Alligator meat tastes better than crocodile meat.  This may stem back to my prejudice views that crocs are the hillbilly cousins.  It may be my naivety but it seems that alligator meat is a thing, a delicacy of sorts, and croc meat is only ever thrown in gumbos.
  8. Alligators may be the most patient animals ever.  They will sit in front of an animal for hours before striking.  They don’t want to take the chance and scare their meal off, so they will wait until they know for absolute certainty that they can kill their prey in one quick swoop.

Again, let me stress that I have never researched any of these thoughts.  I’m sure a quick wiki search or 5 minutes watching the discovery channel could disprove half of these “facts”.  Also, I want to straight out state that crocodiles are lame.