VunderKon

In a few months I am expected to attend my first Comic-Con in San Diego.  To prepare for the big occasion this past weekend some friends and I went to WonderCon, Comic-Con’s adopted cousin.

One word comes to mind after attending the event, BUTT.

Before I explain further let me just say I enjoyed the convention and I would fully recommend going if you have the chance.

Butt (noun) fleshy part that forms the lower rear area of a human trunk. The easy explanation goes to CosPlay.  Some of you may jump to cute Asian butts in some weird anime costume.  I’ll just say it’s a double edged sword.  All God’s children are beautiful, but some do look better in a thonged version of the Pink Power Ranger.

Fat Ass

“BUT it’s nostalgic.”  For this one I have to drop a T.  This is what I would tell myself when I bought something relatively stupid, like X-Men action figures or Star Wars Posters.

The BUTT of the industry.  Now, I was really happy to attend a few of the panels that WonderCon had to offer.  But, there is no denying that these weren’t the big names of the industry.

Overall, this was a laid back convention that was fun to attend.  I learned a bit from a few professionals and got to play with toys that 10 year-old Alex would envy.  I also got to see a thonged version of the Pink Power Ranger (this was pleasant enough to repeat).

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Mac & Ms. Mae’s

I have decided I will open up a restaurant.  Not just any restaurant.  No.  This will be the best restaurant.  A mom & pop feel.M&mM

We will specialize in wings and milkshakes.

If you didn’t immediately say F*#K YEAH,     I will repeat it.

We will specialize in wings and milkshakes.

Obviously, healthy dieting isn’t on the forefront of Mac & Ms. Mae’s.  We will have low fat options (and they will be tasty) but that will not be our specialty.  10 classic sauces.  10 award winning drop-to-your-knees-and-thank-the-Gods sauces.  Then there will be an exotic section.  I have spent some time traveling and before Mac & Ms. Mae’s opens I will do some more.  Sauces from around the world.  This will be a fun and daring section (example: a sauce whose primary components consist of a mixture of scorpion venoms).  Some people will of course be appalled and never try it.  Others will only come to experience this part.

Let’s not forget the milkshakes.  We will have our classic milkshakes (the secret is either Nutella or Homemade Peanut butter, depends on which one you get).  They will be a bit smoother than other milkshake places, no spoon necessary (it will say that on the menu).  Again, there will also be an Exotic Milkshakes From Around the World section.  This is sure to bring laughs to many.

On Sundays, I will have a pairing menu.  This is where I pair an exotic wing sauce with a specific milkshake.  It will be called Mac’s Specialty Mix.  For you see, I am Mac (NOTE:  a Mac Classic is the combo of Spicy Garlic Parm Wings with a Chocolate Milkshake.)  I take the responsibility of being Mac very seriously.  And the pairing won’t be random, it will be the culmination of months of testing.

There will be other specialty days and events that are sure to inject enthusiasm into the community.  Here’s a quick list of some staples you will be seeing every year.

  1. An annual Wing Eating Contest, all proceeds going to the Chase Majewski Testicular Cancer Foundation “Go Nuts 4 Nuts”.  Starts at 6 and goes ‘til midnight.
  2. Wings Day Wednesdays – 25 cent wings every Wednesday with the first Wednesday of every month only being 10 cent a wing.
  3. Freeze Your Face February.  The first weekend in February we will have a cookout in the bitter cold and serve free milkshakes, but only for patrons who sit on the patio.
  4. Happy Day Ms. Mae!  This will be celebrated twice a year.  First time on my Mother’s birthday (Feb. 21).  And the second on my wife’s birthday (TBD).  Each lovely lady will be given the year to prepare their own Ms. Mae’s Menu.
  5. St. Paddy’s day.  We will of course have alcoholic milkshakes 365 days out of the year, but on St. Paddy’s day we will make classic alcohol drinks, milkshake style.  Development is still working on a milkshaked Irish Car Bomb.

Mac & Ms. Mae’s will be a dream come true and a cornerstone to the community.  That is until I commit insurance fraud by burning it down.  Don’t worry about me though, by the time it’s all figured out I’ll be on a beach on the coast of Africa sharing a Mac Classic with whichever Olsen twin is still alive.BeachScene

NO SMALL CHILDREN were ROCKIN’ OUT and KILLING IT all night!!!

NOTE:  THIS IS A MUSIC REVIEW.  I LACK ANY ABILITY TO “TALK” MUSIC UNLESS IT RELATES TO MICHAEL JACKSON.  THIS REVIEW WILL BE FULL OF LAME COLLOQUIALISMS ABOUT MUSIC LIKE ROCKING OUT OR KILLING IT.

Went to a show a few nights ago and was literally blown the $h!t away!!!!!
The Band:  No Small Children
The Website:  http://nosmallchildren.com/

Having just seen a great set by another band, and having just finished a crappy $15 burger, I was ready to leave when NO SMALL CHILDREN started.  Ended up staying for the rest of the song which led to staying for their whole set.  They were ROCKING OUT / KILLING IT the entire damn night!

What it wasn’t:
It wasn’t just the awesome bassist who was ROCKING OUT the whole time.  And man did she KILL IT on her vocal solo.

And it wasn’t just the drummer KILLING IT the whole night.  Even though she had a field trip with 46 4th graders the next morning.

AND it wasn’t the singer/lead guitarist giving it all she had during every song.  I thought she was going to pass out a few times she was busting out tune after tune (her face got dangerously red on more than one occasion).

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It may have been:
It may have been the matching dresses.  Anybody who can pull off a tight red dress while wearing low-riding chucks has a win in my book.  These were 3 ladies pulling it off with ease.

It also may have been the fact they busted out a song called Creepy Drunk Guy as a creepy drunk guy got “jiggy with it” right next to me.

It also may have been that these were 3 school teachers (as I said before, one even had a class field trip the next day).  Teaching by day, rocking by night.

Whatever it wasn’t or may have been, they were an awesome band that put on an awesomely satisfying show.  I can’t remember the last time I got such pure joy out of a music set.

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<insert link to upcoming shows> https://www.facebook.com/NoSmallChildren/events

PAUL BEARER: Creepy ’til the Day he Died

ImageYesterday, at the age of 58, William Alvin Moody AKA Paul Bearer passed away.  This is the only man who truly terrified me.  His dead stare and odd body shape confused me to the degree of fear when I watched wrastlin’ as a young boy.

A few weeks ago I attended an amatuer wrastlin’ event in Glendale, CA.  Bearer, whose big claim to fame was managing the Undertaker in the early ‘90s, was still trucking along, and was still just as terrifying and creepy.

RIP Paul.  I hope you’re creeping out angels now.

Saturday Matinee to All Day

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This past Saturday marked my first MovieDay of 2013.  Just so everyone is caught up, a MovieDay is exactly what it sounds like.  A full day spent at the theaters jumping from one showing to the next.

Awards season is gearing up, so there are quite a bit of “good” films out right now.

1:50 PM GUILT TRIP

For some unexplained reason, I was really looking forward to this movie.  I thought it would be a quick/cute movie filled with enough laughs to make the film passable.

QUICK REVIEW: I was wrong.  I don’t think I have ever been in a quieter theater.  After someone in the film would make a “joke” the audience was absolute silence.  You could literally hear a pin drop.  The humor seemed to be at a weird pace that killed jokes, and the plot was generic and nothing new.

3:30PM ZERO DARK THIRTY

There has been a lot of FaceBook buzz that made me excited for this film.  It’s the story of ‘Merica taking down Osama, how could it be that bad?  USA!!!  USA!!!  USA!!!

QUICK REVIEW: What was this movie about?  By the end of the film you’re led to feel like it was the hero’s journey, and her search to find Bin Laden.  But all she did was complain a lot until she got her way.  Ignoring the bad acting, she still didn’t actually do anything and at no point is there a reason to believe in her gut feelings over any one else’s.  You just know that she’s right.  You know they catch Bin Laden and that her hunches are correct.  But, there is never a reason as to why you should be getting behind her.

This movie also showed me how Seal Team 6 literally just crash landed and caused a huge cluster-fuck.  But it worked because we’re ‘Merica.  Fuck Bin Laden.  USA!!!  USA!!!  USA!!!

6:45PM LES MISERABLES

I wasn’t too excited for this film when hype started to get big around it, but my brother saw it and absolutely loved it.

QUICK REVIEW: Hate to use such an easy word, but this film was AMAZING!  First movie I didn’t hate Russell Crowe in.  It was a real pleasure seeing Helena Bonham Carter in a movie not directed by Tim Burton.  Also, she makes a ten times better wife to Sacha Baron Cohen than she ever will to Johnny Depp.

9:50PM PROMISED LAND

I was very interested in seeing this movie, but did no research beforehand, so I got super intrigued when the opening credits revealed that it was written by Matt Damon and John Krasinski.

QUICK REVIEW:  Not too shabby.  Had opposing characters, either of which you could really get behind.  It showed two reasonable explanations for being on opposite sides of a heated debate.  My only qualm is that stakes didn’t seem high enough.  Didn’t really care what the heros would gain or lose over the outcome.

Alex Sherman Presents: Christmas Pi

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Be sure to listen to the hottest musical treat of the millennium, “Alex Sherman Presents: Christmas Pi.”

With such classic Holiday hits like:
Deck the Hall with Pi or Rockin’ Around the Christmas Pi and MANY MORE!!!

Listen / Download here:
Christmas Pi Album

“Brilliant…..”
-L.A. Times

“Should go into a time capsule…”
-Buzz Magazine

“Amazing orchestrations…..”
-VIVID Entertainment

“He can really carry a tune….but its the words that really count….”
-The Plain Dealer

“The artist really did a number on this CD….”
-The Hollywood Variety

“I was numberstruck….”
-Howard

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The First Creature to Walk on Land

aljshermsI am starting to understand why people find news anchors attractive.  At first I thought I was just getting older and very lonely.  But now, I realize the journalistic integrity  some of these fine ladies contain.

I too would like to have some journalistic integrity.  Too often is my interview style called childish, stupid, and disappointing.  No longer will my mother be able to use such words, for I am preparing for the greatest interview of my career; with The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land!!!!!

It was around 2 o’clock when I had planned to meet The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land at my local coffee establishment.  As I sat waiting with anticipation, I couldn’t help but wonder what I was in for.  Here was a creature that started a revolution.  A revolution that has impacted my life a millennia before I even existed.

By 2:45 I was getting a little nervous.  The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land did not have a cell phone, and it’s email address ended with aol.com.  I was beginning to believe that perhaps this creature’s age could be a factor.

When 3:15 rolled around I was ready to type out an email to reschedule.  This is when I got my first sight of The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land.  It was nearly 500 million years ago that this creature decided to leave the swamps for a life on land, but I swear on my gran-mammy’s name it didn’t look a day over the age 92.  The creature wore a hand knitted sweater and an off-the-rack pair of slacks.  A toupee rested upon its head but was barely noticeable and to the untrained eye could have seemed real.

After quick intros, The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land soon started to complain about the temperature in the facility.  The creature assured me that just because it was a coffee shop it didn’t need to be so chilly.  And that some people prefer cold drinks and this would be torturous for them.  I offered the creature my jacket, but it vehemently refused.

We then got in a small tiff about me leaving my car keys on the table rather than in my pocket (which it claims just makes sense).  Moments later, we were able to begin.

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At such a ripe age I couldn’t help but ponder what this creature was like 500 million years ago when it first made that groundbreaking step.  I asked what motivated such a daring move.  The initial response wasn’t thrilling, “Speak up, I can’t hear you.  And quit mumbling, you mumble.”

To its request, I reworded my question and spoke with a loud eloquent tone.  Its hesitation to answer didn’t worry me, for I could see the whimsical ponder in it’s eye.  The motor was running.  I did begin to worry when, after nearly 10 minutes, the creature asked me who I was and why I was looking at it.  After a reintroduction and a quick explanation as to why I preferred my keys on the table and not in my pocket (which it really insisted just made sense) I asked the question a third time, clearly and loudly.

Success!  The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land jumped right in.  It told me about it’s childhood, and how it didn’t have fancy things like iPhones, or cars, or buildings.  The creature assured me that its generation knew what it stood for and that kids these days listen to too much Beethoven and rap music.  It remembered growing up in the swamps and the taste of the water.  The water had a bitter/musky taste that the creature says it can still taste from time to time when it’s eating shellfish.  The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land didn’t like that taste, and it’s mother would repeatedly tell it to quit complaining.  The creature never felt like it was complaining, just stating what it thought.  The creature continued to talk about the water and it’s taste as I tried to segue the conversation into the part where the creature actually left the waters.  Time seemed to slip away as I learned all about the texture of the water and it’s murky glow.

Before the conversation even got close to that first step, The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land asked me if we could break.  It had to use the bathroom.  Innocently, I asked if it needed any help.  The creature assured me that even though the state didn’t trust it with a driver’s license it could indeed still wipe its own ass.

As it made its way towards the restroom I couldn’t help but notice the walking style.  No creature in history has been walking as long as it, but I must still confess, I was not impressed.  Surely this creature must have tried many a method for the most efficient walking stance.  This is what it landed on?  It was more of a waddle than a walk.gingered-lemon-bars-n

Expecting to have enough time, I got in line and grabbed myself a Caramel Frap and the creature a baked lemon bar.  By its return my frap was nearly empty and we ended up splitting the baked lemon bar.  Due to the establishment’s temperature, and the ingestion of a cold drink, I was quite chilled.

I pardoned myself to grab an extra jacket from my car.  Admittedly, I was embarrassed that once I got to said car I realized I had left my keys on the table.  I don’t think The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land even noticed, for when I returned it was so riled up about the time and how the Denny’s next to its house ends their Early-Bird Dinner Special at 6.  The creature couldn’t believe they made any business past such an hour, insisting that most were already fast asleep by that time.

I walked the creature to the nearest bus stop, and after an awkward ten minute wait The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land was off.

Tastes Like Cement

I was a child raised by TV.  My best friends growing up were Tommy Pickles, Arthur Fonzarelli, Stick Stickly, Kevin Arnold, and an insecure kid named Doug Funnie (also Jeff Popp and Cassidy Childs).

There were episodes and adventures that I remember very well from my friends.  Mainly, because they were exciting and larger-than-life.  I remember when Fonzie jumped his shark.  I remember when Tommy went through a nudist phase, and I remember duct-taping Jeff to a tree.  There is one instance that, for no reason at all, has had some weird effect on me.  That’s when Doug had to sell Booster Bars for his scout troop.

Doug was a Bluffscout, and every year to raise money they had to sell infamous Booster Bars.  The ones that taste like cement.  The whole episode Doug struggles to sell these things.  Eventually, Roger convinces him to lie and give people a fake sample of a fancy foreign chocolate bar.

This has had a profound impact on me.  Again, I have no idea why.  It’s like when my brother told me when I was 5 that he liked the smell of his farts better in the shower than in the tub.  I think about that every single time I take a shower (so about once or twice a month).

Doug’s adventure ends when he tries to lie to Mr. Swirly.  A candy tycoon revered for his delicious treats.  Doug admits his wrongdoing and has Swirly try the real candy.  This is the point at which Swirly says a line that is cemented (pun intended) into my mind, “Who makes this junk?” Mr. Swirly checks the wrapper and sees his logo and screams, “I make this junk!”

Swirly rushes Doug to the factory, directly where Booster Bars are made.  Somehow, for some unspecified reason, a cement truck is emptying its contents directly into the chocolate mix.

I don’t want to fight the logic behind a kid’s cartoon.  The fact that this makes very little sense is alright.  The thing that bugs me tho, is why this had such a lasting impression on me.

My brother’s farts made a bit more sense.  First off, it was weird and kind of gross.  Second, after some Sherlock Holmes work I discovered that farts do indeed smell different in the tub than in the shower (better or worse is of course based on preference).

Why did a random episode of a show strike some chord within me?  Why am I not 100% sure how to spell my Grandmother’s maiden name, yet I know my brother likes shower farts and that Booster Bars taste like cement?

I guess, I can’t dwell too much on obscure memories from the past.  We all have those little oddities we remember for no significant reason.  I just wish mine didn’t involve inferior chocolate and farts.

Hydration: The Secret to My Success – by Bret Hart

Hi. I’m international wrestling great Bret “Hit-Man” Hart.  But you guys can call me Hit-Man, or Bret!  But please, don’t call me Mr. Hart.  That name’s reserved for my father, Stu Hart.  Who also happens to be an international wrestling icon.

I’m here today because I’d like to discuss the importance of staying hydrated during a workout.  Many people will repeatedly tell you that the most important thing to remember before working out is to stretch.  Though I disagree that that’s the most important, I don’t want to ignore the value of a good stretch.  Back in ‘94 I had a fight with Yokozuna, and I did not stretch beforehand.  I still won the match and became the WWE World Champion (for the 2nd time), but my left glute was shot and I had to spend the weekend soaking it in water that was near freezing!

Let’s get back to hydration.  I’m sure you all don’t want to hear me harp on about my wrestling career.  A career that has now spanned for 5 decades.  A career that consists of 5 WWE champion titles, 2 WCW champion titles,  wrestler of the year award voted by fans and Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and ranked the #39 best Canadian ever.  Wow!  How did I accomplish so much?  3 Syllables; Hy-Dra-Tion.

I know what you’re thinking, “Mr. Hart, how did something as simple as hydration give you the power to wrestle even after countless concussions and being completely paralyzed on your left side?”  My response to that is simple, “First off, don’t call me Mr. Hart.  And Second, hydration gave my body the energy it needed to work through months of physical therapy to reach near perfect health!”

Perfect health.  What a concept.  If one looks at my abilities they would probably think that I’m in perfect health.  Maybe one day I was.  Hell, I’m 55.  I’ll be the first one to admit that I look more like a 57 year old than a 55 year old.  That’s what happens to someone that tries to live 3 lifetimes in the span of one.  The human body can only take so much.  How many times can I defeat The Undertaker and still have that special glow the next day?  How many nights can I compete in multiple matches, and still take my family to Disney World in the morning?  The questions can go on and on.

Let me wrap this up.  Water is important, okay.  Trust me on this one.  Be sure to drink a lot before, during, and after any form of physical activity.

Thanks,
Bret “Hit-Man” Hart