I am starting to understand why people find news anchors attractive. At first I thought I was just getting older and very lonely. But now, I realize the journalistic integrity some of these fine ladies contain.
I too would like to have some journalistic integrity. Too often is my interview style called childish, stupid, and disappointing. No longer will my mother be able to use such words, for I am preparing for the greatest interview of my career; with The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land!!!!!
It was around 2 o’clock when I had planned to meet The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land at my local coffee establishment. As I sat waiting with anticipation, I couldn’t help but wonder what I was in for. Here was a creature that started a revolution. A revolution that has impacted my life a millennia before I even existed.
By 2:45 I was getting a little nervous. The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land did not have a cell phone, and it’s email address ended with aol.com. I was beginning to believe that perhaps this creature’s age could be a factor.
When 3:15 rolled around I was ready to type out an email to reschedule. This is when I got my first sight of The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land. It was nearly 500 million years ago that this creature decided to leave the swamps for a life on land, but I swear on my gran-mammy’s name it didn’t look a day over the age 92. The creature wore a hand knitted sweater and an off-the-rack pair of slacks. A toupee rested upon its head but was barely noticeable and to the untrained eye could have seemed real.
After quick intros, The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land soon started to complain about the temperature in the facility. The creature assured me that just because it was a coffee shop it didn’t need to be so chilly. And that some people prefer cold drinks and this would be torturous for them. I offered the creature my jacket, but it vehemently refused.
We then got in a small tiff about me leaving my car keys on the table rather than in my pocket (which it claims just makes sense). Moments later, we were able to begin.
At such a ripe age I couldn’t help but ponder what this creature was like 500 million years ago when it first made that groundbreaking step. I asked what motivated such a daring move. The initial response wasn’t thrilling, “Speak up, I can’t hear you. And quit mumbling, you mumble.”
To its request, I reworded my question and spoke with a loud eloquent tone. Its hesitation to answer didn’t worry me, for I could see the whimsical ponder in it’s eye. The motor was running. I did begin to worry when, after nearly 10 minutes, the creature asked me who I was and why I was looking at it. After a reintroduction and a quick explanation as to why I preferred my keys on the table and not in my pocket (which it really insisted just made sense) I asked the question a third time, clearly and loudly.
Success! The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land jumped right in. It told me about it’s childhood, and how it didn’t have fancy things like iPhones, or cars, or buildings. The creature assured me that its generation knew what it stood for and that kids these days listen to too much Beethoven and rap music. It remembered growing up in the swamps and the taste of the water. The water had a bitter/musky taste that the creature says it can still taste from time to time when it’s eating shellfish. The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land didn’t like that taste, and it’s mother would repeatedly tell it to quit complaining. The creature never felt like it was complaining, just stating what it thought. The creature continued to talk about the water and it’s taste as I tried to segue the conversation into the part where the creature actually left the waters. Time seemed to slip away as I learned all about the texture of the water and it’s murky glow.
Before the conversation even got close to that first step, The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land asked me if we could break. It had to use the bathroom. Innocently, I asked if it needed any help. The creature assured me that even though the state didn’t trust it with a driver’s license it could indeed still wipe its own ass.
As it made its way towards the restroom I couldn’t help but notice the walking style. No creature in history has been walking as long as it, but I must still confess, I was not impressed. Surely this creature must have tried many a method for the most efficient walking stance. This is what it landed on? It was more of a waddle than a walk.
Expecting to have enough time, I got in line and grabbed myself a Caramel Frap and the creature a baked lemon bar. By its return my frap was nearly empty and we ended up splitting the baked lemon bar. Due to the establishment’s temperature, and the ingestion of a cold drink, I was quite chilled.
I pardoned myself to grab an extra jacket from my car. Admittedly, I was embarrassed that once I got to said car I realized I had left my keys on the table. I don’t think The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land even noticed, for when I returned it was so riled up about the time and how the Denny’s next to its house ends their Early-Bird Dinner Special at 6. The creature couldn’t believe they made any business past such an hour, insisting that most were already fast asleep by that time.
I walked the creature to the nearest bus stop, and after an awkward ten minute wait The-First-Creature-to-Walk-on-Land was off.